What Comes Next?

There's a question that keeps coming up in my life. Often it happens when I meet someone for the first time and I tell them that I am a stay-at-home mom. But lately even in my own house, in discussions between my husband and me, it keeps reappearing. 

Do you think you will go back to work when your kids are in school?

It seems like an innocent question, right? A simple yes or no would probably suffice for now. Yet I find myself unable to answer simply.  Perhaps it is because deep down I am a thinker, who hates to give an answer that hasn't fully been birthed, so when I hear this question my stomach twists sharply and I find myself holding my breath instead of answering.

I simply don't know what I will do. 

Here's the rub. I do love staying home with my children. But I don't think that's all I want to do forever.  Really, I want to someday have a fulfilling career without compromising my flexibility to be with my children when they need me. But as far as I can tell, that is nearly impossible to achieve. 

Lately my husband and I have had a lot of discussions about the budget. I majored in English, and I am not ashamed to admit that just thinking about numbers makes me feel like I need to take an Advil.  So you can imagine how much I look forward to our monthly family budget meetings. The numbers start to swirl around me and I get stressed thinking about how I shouldn't have bought that new dress when we're working hard to save a little every month. Just like any other family we have lots of goals. We'd like to save money for retirement, for our children's college fund, for our next home. We'd like to save for a vacation to Disney World and have money to give to people in need. They are fabulous goals, but how do we achieve them on one income and still have some money left to enjoy life right now? 

And that's when the talk of work tends to come around again. What are my plans for after our children are in school? What would I like to do? What makes the most sense to do? Our children, even when in school, will have sick days, inservice days, and summer vacation. 

I started thinking about the possibility of teaching English as a professor at a community college. I'd have to get my Master's, but the schedule would certainly work for me. And it is a job that I could get excited about. But then I did my research and realized that the job market for professors is terrible. At best I'd get an adjunct position that pays next to nothing, and would have all that school debt to pay off.

We've tossed around ideas about getting my teaching certificate and becoming a grade school teacher. But confession time? I don't think I really want to teach kids full time in the public school system. That's why I wasn't an English Education major. 

I don't really want to do something that is just going to be "work". I was fairly unhappy during my time in corporate America, and I'd be hesitant to try and jump back in there. I'd like to do something that has meaning for me. 

So the question of will I go back to work once my all my children are in school? It's complicated. I don't really have anything that I would be "going back to." Really, I'd be starting over. And I don't have much clearer of a picture of what that would look like than the day that I graduated from college. The sheer number of possibilities and scenarios is daunting. 

I guess the other side of the coin is, if I don't go back to work, is that ok? I'm sure there are a lot of stay at home moms who face this question, and perhaps the judgment that follows if they don't go back to work. People wonder what you do all day while your kids are in school. 

Being a mom is really complicated. Where do I find my value? Who determines what my potential is? How do I balance it all?

I suppose for now, I have to trust that I am where God wants me to be. And I must keep reminding myself that "to everything there is a season." I am in a very special season right now, home with my young children. My days are long and simply getting all the laundry done is an achievement for me. But there are cuddles, and kisses, and laughter that won't be here forever. I do believe that God has a plan for me, and that He will make the way clear for me as the seasons change. It's easy to forget that when I get stressed about money and our future. 

What will I do when all our kids are in school? I don't know. But I pray and hope that as long as I stay true to myself it will be good.