But then, once in a while, there's that moment, when the phone rings, and I think to myself "Yes! I have not been forgotten! It must be a dear friend calling to have a chat that includes words other than "daddy" and "dog!" And as I excitedly pick up the phone I'm thinking about all of the things I want to tell whoever it is that might be calling, only to be greeted with an unfamiliar voice saying "Mrs. Cowan?" And, just like that, all in an instant, my hopes are dashed and I find myself trying to hang up as quickly as possible while the person on the line continues to ask me about my satisfaction with my current cable provider. And so, after a dozen or so of these disappointments, I made sure I was on every "Do Not Call" list that has ever been created.
For the most part, the calls have stopped. But about 3 months ago, I began receiving calls from one particular company. And this company, despite my many requests to be removed from their list, continues to call me. The calls always begin the same way. The phone rings. I say "hello", and then there is a pause. I say "hello" again, and then someone with a thick accent, perhaps Indian or Middle Eastern, answers me. They always start off by saying "Hello ma'am, I am calling about your Microsoft Windows computer." At first, I stopped them right away, asking them to please remove me from their calling list and then hanging up the phone. But the calls continued, sometimes as much as twice a week!
So one day, I decided to change tactics. The phone rang, I answered, heard the familiar pause in the line, and knew what would happen next. The man says "Ma'am, I am calling about your Microsoft Windows Computer." And, in that moment I had a flash of creativity. I said, "You mean my Macintosh Apple computer?" There was a slight pause, and then the man answered with a drawn out "Yessss! Exactly, your Macintosh Apple computer!" Now you must understand, I don't own a Mac, and so if I'd had any doubt before this that this company was a scam, I didn't have any doubts now. And you know what? I thought to myself, if this man thinks he is going to scam me, he's out of his mind. And now it's only fair for me to scam him right back. But since I hadn't had any time to prepare what I was going to do, I just said the first thing that came into my head. So as he is talking about finding viruses on my non-existent Apple computer, I interrupt him and say "What?!!! Sir? Did you say you want some barbecued chicken?!" He answered "No, ma'am, I am calling about your COMPUTER!" And I said "What?!!! You want CHICKEN?!!! I have some barbecued chicken right here!! Eat some chicken!!" The man, clearly getting flustered at this point says "No ma'am, I do not like those things! I am calling about your computer!" I said, "You are calling me for barbecued chicken!" And, apparently beginning to wonder who exactly it is he is talking to says "Ma'am, how old are you?" And I retorted, "How rude! How old are YOU?!" He doesn't answer, and then tries to talk to me about my computer again, at which point I tell him all I have is barbecued chicken, hot and ready to eat. I then a hear a swift "click" on the line as he hangs up on me. I laugh as I look at the phone and it says it's been 2 minutes and 36 seconds. I win. And I think to myself, I can do better than 2 minutes and 36 seconds. And that's how it began, my war with the computer scammers.
They've called me 3 times since then. And after each time I brainstorm for ideas on the next best way to get them to hang up on me. That's the idea see, to see how fast I can get them to hang up. I'm having a lot of fun with it. One time I played along with the guy for a while, before telling him the only reason I had stayed on the phone was because I was working with the FBI, and we had traced the call to his exact location and he would be arrested in a matter of seconds. That conversation lasted about 2 minutes. This last time, I told the guy I was practicing for my upcoming American Idol audition, and could I practice my song for him. I launched into the worst rendition of Mariah Carey's "Hero" that you will ever hear in your lifetime, followed by a few bars of "Hakuna Matata" from the Lion King, and 1 minute and 30 seconds later the line went dead. I've actually kind of started looking forward to these calls. It's my way of scamming the scammers, and having fun doing it. And this way, I don't get so mad about the calls when they come. It's just another opportunity to mess with these fools.
So do you have any ideas for my next call?
