Scamming the scammers

So let me start off by saying that I hate telemarketer calls. I think I might hate them even more now that I stay at home full time. Just imagine yourself in my shoes. I'm at home all day, with my one year old daughter as my conversational companion. There are only so many times that I can talk about daddy being at work and about Lady, our dog, before we've run the gamut of my daughter's vocabulary.

But then, once in a while, there's that moment, when the phone rings, and I think to myself "Yes! I have not been forgotten! It must be a dear friend calling to have a chat that includes words other than "daddy" and "dog!"  And as I excitedly pick up the phone I'm thinking about all of the things I want to tell whoever it is that might be calling, only to be greeted with an unfamiliar voice saying "Mrs. Cowan?" And, just like that, all in an instant, my hopes are dashed and I find myself trying to hang up as quickly as possible while the person on the line continues to ask me about my satisfaction with my current cable provider. And so, after a dozen or so of these disappointments, I made sure I was on every "Do Not Call" list that has ever been created. 

For the most part, the calls have stopped. But about 3 months ago, I began receiving calls from one particular company. And this company, despite my many requests to be removed from their list, continues to call me. The calls always begin the same way. The phone rings.  I say "hello", and then there is a pause. I say "hello" again, and then someone with a thick accent, perhaps Indian or Middle Eastern, answers me. They always start off by saying "Hello ma'am, I am calling about your Microsoft Windows computer." At first, I stopped them right away, asking them to please remove me from their calling list and then hanging up the phone. But the calls continued, sometimes as much as twice a week! 

So one day, I decided to change tactics. The phone rang, I answered, heard the familiar pause in the line, and knew what would happen next. The man says "Ma'am, I am calling about your Microsoft Windows Computer." And, in that moment I had a flash of creativity.  I said, "You mean my Macintosh Apple computer?" There was a slight pause, and then the man answered with a drawn out "Yessss! Exactly, your Macintosh Apple computer!" Now you must understand, I don't own a Mac, and so if I'd had any doubt before this that this company was a scam, I didn't have any doubts now.  And you know what? I thought to myself, if this man thinks he is going to scam me, he's out of his mind. And now it's only fair for me to scam him right back. But since I hadn't had any time to prepare what I was going to do,  I just said the first thing that came into my head.  So as he is talking about finding viruses on my non-existent Apple computer, I interrupt him and say "What?!!! Sir? Did you say you want some barbecued chicken?!" He answered "No, ma'am, I am calling about your COMPUTER!" And I said "What?!!! You want CHICKEN?!!! I have some barbecued chicken right here!! Eat some chicken!!" The man, clearly getting flustered at this point says "No ma'am, I do not like those things! I am calling about your computer!" I said, "You are calling me for barbecued chicken!" And, apparently beginning to wonder who exactly it is he is talking to says "Ma'am, how old are you?" And I retorted, "How rude! How old are YOU?!" He doesn't answer, and then tries to talk to me about my computer again, at which point I tell him all I have is barbecued chicken, hot and ready to eat.  I then a hear a swift "click" on the line as he hangs up on me. I laugh as I look at the phone and it says it's been 2 minutes and 36 seconds. I win. And I think to myself, I can do better than 2 minutes and 36 seconds. And that's how it began, my war with the computer scammers. 

They've called me 3 times since then. And after each time I brainstorm for ideas on the next best way to get them to hang up on me. That's the idea see, to see how fast I can get them to hang up. I'm having a lot of fun with it. One time I played along with the guy for a while, before telling him the only reason I had stayed on the phone was because I was working with the FBI, and we had traced the call to his exact location and he would be arrested in a matter of seconds. That conversation lasted about 2 minutes.  This last time, I told the guy I was practicing for my upcoming American Idol audition, and could I practice my song for him. I launched into the worst rendition of Mariah Carey's "Hero" that you will ever hear in your lifetime, followed by a few bars of "Hakuna Matata" from the Lion King, and 1 minute and 30 seconds later the line went dead. I've actually kind of started looking forward to these calls. It's my way of scamming the scammers, and having fun doing it. And this way, I don't get so mad about the calls when they come. It's just another opportunity to mess with these fools. 

So do you have any ideas for my next call? 

Happy Anniversary!

Happy 3rd Anniversary to my husband Ben! It's hard to believe that we've already been married three years. When I look back at our wedding photos, it seems like it could have been just a few months ago. But in 3 years of marriage we've managed to move to a new state, buy our first home, and have a baby girl. That's a lot to pack into three years!  So, in honor of our anniversary, I thought I'd share a few of the lessons I've learned over the last 3 years:

1. Marriage is not a honeymoon all the time... in fact, the honeymoon is over...well...when the honeymoon is over!! We've still got to get up everyday and go to work, make dinner, clean the house, and pay the bills. There's really nothing especially glamourous in it, but it makes me cherish our vacations and time away that much more. I've learned I can't live on a constant "high" of love like the movies try to portray. It's simple love in the every day living that matters.

2. Ben and I have very different ideas about what it means to clean the house.  Ben likes things to be "clean" while I like things "in their place". Meaning, if the floors are vaccumed and the dirt is wiped off, it's clean to Ben and he's good to go... books can be laying around, shoes can be in all the corners of the floor, and if there is no hair/dirt, it's fine with him. Not so much for me. Most of the time, I don't really notice the dust or dog hair. What I notice are all of the THINGS laying around EVERYWHERE.  If the floors are vaccuumed and our 1 year old's toys are still strewn about the house and all the dishes are out on the counters, I am going to have a freak out...  Once we realized this major difference between the definition of a "clean house", we had way less arguments.

3. Ben does not complete me. Nor do I complete him.  I do think we complement each other, but Ben and I are both flawed, imperfect people, and so there is no way in the world that a flawed, imperfect person can perfectly fulfill the dreams, desires, and expectations of someone else. I need Jesus to complete me... he's the only one that can fill that need in my life. I love Ben more than anything on this Earth, but if I count on him to make me whole, I am going to be disappointed.

4. Parenting with Ben has turned out to be the most challenging, exhilarating, wonderful experience of my life so far. It has drawn us closer together as a team, and also caused some of our loudest arguments. Lack of sleep and flying by the seat of your pants will do that to a couple. But I wouldn't trade a minute of it. Watching Ben as a dad is indescribably rewarding.

5. We've got a long way to go! 3 years in the grand scheme of things is nothing... we've got lots of ups and downs ahead of us. This year in our marriage we are purposing to pray and serve others together more often, and to spend time dreaming together about our future. I pray that God would give us the grace we need for each other to keep going strong!

90 minutes to myself

Well, it looks like it has been well over two months since I last blogged. Abby has recently dropped her morning nap and pushed her bedtime back in the evenings, so it's becoming harder and harder to snatch a moment for myself. She usually naps for only an hour and a half right after lunch time, and every day I find myself torn about what to accomplish in those 90 minutes. Should I do that next load of laundry, or catch up on email, or spend time in God's Word.  I have recently been reading a really great book loaned to me by a friend called Six Ways to Keep the Little in Your Girl by Dannah Gresh. It has been such a thought provoking read. It basically talks about the ways in which our consumerist and sex-driven culture is pushing our little girls to grow up far too quickly. The book talks a lot about the fact that if we as parents, and especially mothers of little girls, don't take on the responsibility of teaching our little girls about the values of modesty, integrity, and purity, that the rest of the world will gladly teach them their own lessons instead! One point Dannah made that jumped out at me was that my little girl is watching every move I make, and as she watch me, my actions will show her what is truly important to me.  My actions will have a far greater impact on her than my words alone.  Dannah talks about how image-driven our culture is, and she challenged me to think about how much time I spend on my outer appearance, whether it be my make-up, hair, or even just the appearance of my house, versus how much time I spend on my inner self, praying and reading the Bible. She said that one good habit to form is to make sure you spend as much time in devotions each day (your inner self)  as you spend on getting ready in the morning (your outer self). And while, truth be told, as the mother of a 16 month old, I am lucky to get a 5 minute shower every day, much less spend time fretting over makeup, the point still hit home to me. Abby is only a little over a year old, but I see how she watches everything that I do. She is facinated by everything! And she wants to copy every move I make, whether it's putting laundry in the dryer, or brushing her teeth while I brush mine.  And so as she grows, I know I will need to purpose in my heart to make time to show her that it is really my inner self, my character and my soul, and my relationship with Jesus that I need to spend the most time on. So I've been trying to use my 90 minutes more productively lately. The laundry and dishes will wait, I need to spend that time working on my inner self.

Gimme Some Sugar

I have to admit that I am really glad the holidays are over. Don't get me wrong, I loved all of the excitement and time that I got to spend with family. But inevitably the holidays also meant lots of pies, cookies, cakes, and every other decadent food I try to steer clear of the rest of the year. But this year there was an unexpected added stressor to my annual sweets and treats avoidance mission. This was the first year that Abby was really eating table food. And so, right along with me she was enjoying turkey, potatoes, and stuffing. And then, at the end of each meal, when the dessert was being passed around the table, everyone wanted to see her enjoy it too. But as I looked at those sugary desserts, I'd feel my stomach knot up just a little, and politely decline to let her dive into an entire piece of apple pie.  Instead I'd offer to give her a small bite of mine. And at every meal, I'd get raised eyebrows and surprised looks. I guess there's just something about watching a baby dive face first into a piece of cake or pie that's seen as some sort of rite of passage. And while Abby's grandparents all respected my decision, I know they were a little disappointed.

I know I may have come off as the holiday dessert grinch, only letting Abby have one small bite of pie per meal. But here's the thing, every three months I take Abby into the doctor for her checkup, and she gets weighed and measured. And every three months I feel like I'm being weighed and measured as to whether or not I am feeding her the right amounts of the right things and keeping her healthy. And I take that job seriously. Whether it means staying awake night and day to breastfeed her as a newborn, to now planning out her meals to include lots of fruit and vegetables and very little salt and sugar. And although Abby has a healthy appetite, she still eats like a little bird as most 13 month old babies do, and I hate to have her fill up on empty calories, knowing that means she won't eat as much of the good stuff as she should.

On the other hand, it's a lot of fun watching Abby experience new foods, and we had a lot of fun this holiday season seeing her dive into sweet potato casserole and squish up her face as she got her first taste of cranberry sauce.  I know that our families wanted to see her enjoying the delicious desserts too, and I did feel bad not letting them have that experience. I hated seeing disappointment as they asked me "really? she can't have some?"  But in the end I guess it's about balance. My first job is to take care of Abby... and that means following my instincts and sometimes disappointing others. This year it meant saying no to dessert.  But it's also important for me to figure out when to let loose a little, and give our families, meaning Abby's grandparents, the experiences they've been looking forward to, which includes watching Abby dive into a piece of pie. Striking the right balance is not easy for me. 

I hope it gets easier with time and experience. Next year, when she's talking, and can ask for dessert, I think I'll be more willing to let her have some. Maybe two bites next year instead of one ;)

From Baby to Toddler

Just a few weeks ago my baby turned one. My BABY turned one. It's amazing how fast she changed in just one year. It's hard to put into words the jumble of emotions that I feel when I think about it. As I watch her grow and see her personality begin to show, I get so excited about all the wonderful things that are ahead of us... Girl Scout meetings, t-ball games, sleepovers, vacations!! I know, I know, she's not even walking yet, but as she starts to grow into a little girl, I can't help but imagine all the fun we're going to have. And really, we're having so much fun right now. Our days are filled with giggles and Elmo and dancing and new discoveries. I think we're having more fun now than we ever did when she was just a few months old. She sleeps through the night, can feed herself, takes regular naps, can show us what she wants/needs. It's so much easier than just a few months ago!  But then, even in the midst of my relief that she's not a newborn anymore, there's this little bit of sadness that sometimes creeps in, and I realize how fast time is going, and that my baby isn't going to be a baby for much longer.  I wish I could somehow capture and keep those precious baby moments forever. Like this morning, when she woke up while it was still dark and wanted a bottle, and I held her and rocked her and she looked up at me with those big blue trusting eyes as she twirled my hair in her fingers. And I felt the myriad of emotions start swelling... joy in the moment, sad that it won't last forever, excited for what is to come... And as I hear her in the next room, banging away on the keys of her new toy piano and giggling all the while, I realize that I've got to purpose in my heart to enjoy each stage as it comes, because they'll pass by all too quickly.