I remember this time last year, waiting for him to come, wondering what it would be like to add another child to our household. I remember savoring the last few days before his birth, playing in the backyard with Abby, getting her a special playhouse to celebrate becoming a big sister. I wondered how much life would change once our baby was born.
I remember the first few days after we brought him home. I'd rock Abby in the glider before bedtime, barely able to get through our nightly song without breaking into sobs. I had a whole mix of emotions. Joyful to have my new baby, but feeling so guilty about taking attention away from my firstborn, and so unsure of what the "new normal" was going to be like.
I remember feeling nervous about bonding with my new baby. How could I possibly love him as much as I loved Abby? For two and a half years my heart had belonged only to her. We hadn't known if we were having a boy or a girl before he was born. I wondered if loving a boy was as easy as loving a girl?
And here we are, a year later. It's impossible to capture that year in one blog post. I wish I could find a way to communicate how full my heart is. I can honestly say that every single day I have at least one moment where I look at my children and wonder how in the world I could be so blessed.
This year has been harder than I expected. But more rewarding than I could have imagined. Abby has grown into a caring, compassionate, generous, and loving big sister. She doesn't mind when her brother pulls her hair with all his might. She just laughs and says "Oh Joshie" as she delicately removes his hand. I catch her whispering to him when she thinks I'm not listening "Joshie, you're my best friend." But she's also struggled with sharing attention, toys, and time. Sharing is no easy task for a three year old, and sharing with a "grabby" baby who doesn't understand taking turns is even harder. It often feels like there's not enough of me to go around. The kids inevitably need fed, changed, or bathed at the exact same time. Or there are the times they both throw a show-stopping tantrum together, and it's like a chorus of wailing, and I just want to lock myself in the bathroom. But then, moments later, they both crawl into my lap and we all cuddle, and the whole world is perfect for those few minutes.
Josh has grown so much this year. I wasn't sure what it would be like to have a son. Now I know it's the most wonderful thing in the world. Now that he is a year old we're starting to catch glimpses of his incredible personality. He's a fierce little man. We call him "the tiger" because he's always growling at something or someone. He often has a "thoughtful" look on his face, his brows furrowed. I think he is going to be my thinker. His hair is totally out of control. It stands up on end like he's stuck his hand in a socket. He's not afraid of much, and chases me around the room as I vacuum trying to catch it. He's vocal about what he likes and doesn't like, and he loves his sister with a depth that you'd be surprised at. His whole body smiles when she comes into a room, and he's noticeably mellow when she's away. Their bond is something I never expected, and yet it's probably one of the things that has brought me the most joy since he was born. When I watch the two of them, I worry less about their future, because I know they'll always have each other.
As my children grow up, I always have mixed feelings about birthdays. I am filled with such joy at the people they are becoming. And yet I always have a twinge of sadness that the time is flying by so quickly. I have to always remind myself that they are only mine for a time, and to try and soak up every minute that I have.
Happy birthday Little Man. I never knew I could love you as deeply as I do. When I look into those deep blue eyes, my heart belongs to you. Your laughter fills our home and brings me unspeakable joy. Watching you learn and grow is a privilege that I try never to take for granted. I love who you are and who you are becoming.
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