Dear Facebook: It's Not You, It's Me

Dear Facebook,

We need to talk. I know, no one ever wants to hear those words. But, we've been spending way too much time together lately. Way too much time. I'm sorry. I just need some space to clear my head. I've been going through some rough stuff, and you just keep bringing up painful things I don't want to think about.  I think it's time we go on a break.  It's not you. It's me.  I hope we can still be friends down the road.

Love,
Me

Ok, I'm kidding. Sort of. The past few months have been pretty rocky. My miscarriage shook me way more than I wanted to admit to anyone.

I hate being sad.  I just want to get over it. I plaster on a smile, joke with friends, play with my kids. I obsess over having another baby. But it's still there, the loss, hanging out right over my shoulder.  Tomorrow it will be 2 months since my miscarriage and some days I feel like I have moved 10 steps forward, and other days I feel stuck in the same old place. Milestones pop up when I least expect them. This week, for example, would have been the week we found out if we were having a boy or a girl. I've spent every morning this week sobbing in the shower.

 I just don't want to feel sad anymore. But I've been learning that there are no shortcuts to grief and loss. As much as I wish there was a shortcut, sometimes we just have to walk that road until we reach the end of it. I've been doing my best to keep it together and bottled up, but some days it just spills right out. It finally took a good friend saying point blank, "Jenny, you lost your baby. That's not something you just get over." She's right. You don't get over it. You walk forward, but you don't get over it.

Being a stay at home mom, I am alone a lot of the day. I'm with my kids, of course, but there's not a lot of peer to peer interaction going on. I mean, I can only talk about the most recent episode of Bubble Guppies so many times before I feel like my head is about to explode into a billion pieces.

So it makes sense that I'd be on Facebook a decent amount. There are some days where Ben is working till late at night that literally the only interaction with other adults that I get is through Facebook. I can post about the crazy parts of my day, like the time Josh threw chili all over the dining room, not once, but twice, in the span of 5 minutes. I was home alone at the time, and could not believe what he had done. I posted the insanity to Facebook, and when people commented on it, I felt like I was not so alone in the craziness of motherhood. 

I've heard that back in the day, people lived closer to one another in tightly knit communities. Moms shared the responsibility of raising kids closely with family and neighbors. I don't know when that day was, but it definitely seems different today. People are busy with their own stuff, me included. So that's where Facebook comes in. It's like a pseudo-community. We post pictures, celebrate success, and sometimes share needs too.  I remember posting that I needed clothes for Josh once, and within 3 hours I had multiple bags of clothes dropped off at my door for him. There's a lot of good that social media can do.

But there's a dark side to the social media too, that a lot of people don't want to talk about. In fact, there is more and more research being done about the negative effects it can have on our lives. This research has actually linked higher episodes of depression to people who frequently use social media. The reason? Social comparison. It's the phenomenon that happens when we look at other people's lives and compare them to our own. The more we compare, the worse we feel.

It's not a new thing. In fact, there's a good reason why the 10th commandment is "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife." Whether you're pining for your neighbor's wife, or maybe just his life in general, comparison never does anybody any good.

Comparison is a happiness killer. It doesn't matter whether you come out on top or not in the comparison game, someone is always on the losing end.

And, if we're honest, there is a lot about Facebook that is one big comparison game. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think there is any reason why we should not share our joy and successes on Facebook.  Genuinely celebrating one another is as close to godliness as it gets.

But, how many of us tailor our posts to paint the most perfect picture of our lives? Our kids smiling angelically, us wearing our "skinniest" outfit, pictures of our "perfect' marriage.

A lot of times, it's just an image. An image carefully crafted and presented to the world.

Because, come on, who wants to look like a hot mess in front of everyone? Not me, that's for sure.

But guess what? For the last 2 months, I have been a hot mess. Oh yes, I might post like I have  my crap together, but I don't.

So, this is why I'm breaking up with Facebook. At least for the month of February. A month to reset.
Why? Because ever since I lost my baby a whole lot of other wonderful ladies have gotten the joyful news that they are expecting a baby. Most of the ones sharing lately are due within just a few weeks of when I was due.

And I have to get real with you now: when I see an ultrasound picture, or a cute picture of siblings sharing that they are getting a new baby, my heart breaks just a little bit more.

Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with posting joyful news. Part of me rejoices with those friends. I am truly and sincerely happy for them. In all honesty, I hope I have a post like that to share someday soon.

But for now, seeing those posts over and over again isn't helping me heal my own broken heart. And after clicking "unfollow" more times than I can count in the last few weeks to try and hide those kinds of posts, they still keep showing up.  And I find myself comparing my situation to theirs. "Why me? Why did this happen? Why do they get to have so much joy while I deal with all this pain?"

So it's time to stop pretending that everything is fine. And it's time to stop putting myself in a position to play the comparison game.  Like my friend Michelle reminded me, "Jenny you just lost your baby. You don't just get over that."

She's right. I'm not over it. And comparing myself to others is only making my grief more painful.

Maybe you have been there before. I've heard that what you want the most is what you notice others having more than anything else. Like how if you want to get married you constantly are bombarded with posts sharing engagement stories. Or if all you want is a bigger house, you notice all your friends who have bigger and better homes than you. Or me, I keep noticing all the babies.

Comparison. It's a soul killer.

So I'm doing the only thing that I know how to do. I'm taking myself out of the comparison game for a while. My goal is to refocus, live in the moment, and be more content.

God has a plan for my life. What it is, I don't always understand. Or trust. Or like. But it's there. And I believe it is a good plan. It's no one else's plan. Just mine. But if I keep comparing it to His plan for somebody else, I'm never going to be happy.

So, Facebook, we're going on a break. Don't take it too personal. It's not you, it's me. And when I'm ready, I'll be back.